Why English People shouldn't gamble

Erm so i've just been going through my Betfair account. Unfortunately my Englishness has prevailed, and I have failed to get rich.

I do however defend the betting strategy. Were an Australian, or even a Frenchman to adopt a betting strategy based on England being rubbish, and English betting markets overreacting they would make a killing.

I mean take the cricket team's efforts in T20 this week. Losing to the Netherlands at Cricket was very much what this blog was all about. Suddenly we realised they were the worst team in the history of English cricket. When they thrashed Pakistan a couple of days later they are suddenly world beaters.

It is very difficult being an Englishman. I am looking forward to the Ashes summer with a mixture of hopeful optimism and deep longing dread.

Can I just sneak this in here where no-one will notice it?

Results £-87

Aston Villa v Arsenal

This was one of the most entertaining games of the year. If Aston Villa had more foreigners in their team, the way they were playing they would have been 11-0 up by half time.

Instead, somehow Arsenal went ahead, and extended their lead to 2-0. Normally speaking against a team of foreigners, a largely English team would have given up. Who then is to blame for the subsequent comeback that caused me to lose. Again.

I have researched the matter, and here is where it all went wrong:

I give you the Arsenal Team Sheet.
Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Eboue, Toure, Silvestre, Song Billong (Ramsey 43), Denilson, Nasri (Clichy 82), Diaby, Gallas, Van Persie.
Subs Not Used: Fabianski, Vela, Wilshere, Bendtner.

I expected better from you Mr Wenger - why name a 16 year old English kid, tipped to be the next big thing in your squad. Why? How could I be expected to pick up on this potential banana skin at 11am with a Boxing Day Hangover.

I can't remember what the odds were, but that's another £10 gone. How am I going to gamble my way out of the credit crunch now?

Result:
-£10

Overall:
-£2

Crap. This whole sorry affair was all my fault

I knew England were crap, and I still bet on them. I knew that no nation is better at snatching defeat from the jaws of certain victory than England. Especially at cricket. And yet - I was still foolish enough to back them.

Good on India though. Even Grandpa Tendulkar was in on the action.

Never ever ever back England. They never win. Ever.

Result: -£10

Overall: +£8

Confession: I'm backing England

I'm ashamed to admit, that quite contrary to the spirit of this blog, I put £10 on England to win the first test match.

The reasoning behind betting against England is that most of the time, fans over react, and that this is reflected in the betting market.

I was able to get an astonishing 10 to 1 on Wednesday night with Betfair. You see, the heart of this England team is not English at all. If only there were some decent South African spinners, they could be quite competitive.

It seems that the message that "England are shit" has got out, and everybody over reacted. Okay, so they had the floor wiped with them in the one day series, but Test Cricket is a funny old game.

I mean it will probably still be a draw, but hey, I think I would be in with a shout. Except that of course, England are now favourites to win the match, and so they are more likely than not going to throw it all away.

Winning Weekend

Excellent. This weekend I made £18 because English people are shit at sport. Arsenal came through for me by not playing a single Englishman.

Results elsewhere showed how risky predicting results are when there are Englishmen on both sides. Everton v Villa was particularly entertaining. 5 goals, all from Englishmen, and some truly comic defending.

I particularly enjoyed Lescott's performance - sheer comedy value to get two goals, including an equaliser, and only to defend like a lemon and let them win in the 4th minute of injury time. What an Englishman!

Result: + £18

English cricket brings rain to the desert

You really couldn't make it up. The English cricket team are in Abu Dhabi staging camp, where "Sunshine and blue skies are guaranteed almost every day" and where "rainfall is virtually non-existent."

And it rains! Spectaclar. They even had hail stones in nearby Dubai. Only an English cricket team could bring rain to the desert.


Although we can't be sure if this will-they-won't they test series will take place after the terrible events in Mumbai, we can be certain that if England do play, they will play badly. And lose. Massively.

Arsenal for the title, Aston Villa to go down.

Darn it. I start this blog and there are no hopeless England teams playing this weekend.

I expect the cricket team will manage to lose to the Abu Dabi under 19's, or themselves, or whoever they find to warm up against, but they don't have a confirmed fixture list, so I can't find a bookie to take my bet.

I shall have to confine myself to the Premier League. I have compiled an Englishness index, based on number of Englishmen-minutes played as of today.

The clear stand-out dead cert bet based on this method is Arsenal v Wigan. Arsenal have managed to avoid playing Englishmen quite a lot this season, and have only racked up 839 English-player minutes. Mostly from that hopeless Walcott fella. Even with him in the team, they are sure to win the title.

Meanwhile, Wigan have managed to amass a thoroughly ill-advised 6449 minutes of hapless Englishness. I can see them coping with the sheer foreign winning-ness of Arsenal.

I'm putting 50 quid on a home win at 4/11 with Paddy Power. Crap odds, but I absolutely can't lose. It's going to be a massacre at the Emirates on Saturday. I'll spend my 18 big ones on a bag of chips and maybe a domain name to host the blog.

I'll also probably stick some on a long shot: Aston Villa to go down at 619/1 with Betfair. With so many Englishmen in their team, I worry for their future.